Well I saw Dr. Last today. I feel a little bit better I needed to get a things out. Felt kind of funny though. He suggested I go see a therapist. Which I’m fine with. I’ll admit I talk to people (mainly myself) but I know they aren’t there. I’m lonley. I don’t go anywhere or do anything. I sit in my room and watch TV. I don’t go out and socalize much. I’m completly lacking a social life. Seriously I talk more to my guinea pigs more than anyone else. That is really pathetic. I have alot of self image issues to. I stare alot at my fat rolls. I’m gaining weight again. So far I’ve gained 6 LBS since the holidays. I got a spare tire around my belly and a FUPA (fat upper pubic area) that needs to go! I constantly obsess over this. I weigh my self every day. Sometimes I don’t eat. I will go without eating to lose weight. I feel like the 100 LBS I lost was nothing and was just pointless. I am so ashamed of myself. I ate a coconut egg last night and pigged out on it. I am a pig! I really ought to be ashamed. I really should go back to the gym. But I think my account is overdrawn and I don’t have the money to put back in it. Hopefully when I get this job and get a paycheck I can keep money in it.
I need to help my parents too. I worry about them having money. I worry about my mom. I don’t want her to die. I would miss her too much. I think I am attached to her to much. She was the only one there for me. My dad never was. I worry about her dying, paying the bills, me being fat, my mental state, working, finding someone to spend the rest of my life with, if I am gay or not, my guinea pigs, whether or not if I took my medicine, why I forget things, if people think I’m crazy, how to lose this damn belly fat, being perfect, why I am so ugly, why I obsess over things, whether of not anyone finds me attractive,if someone is looking at me an thinking, “oh she is ugly”, I worry about what I am going to do after my mom dies, I worry about getting old, I worry about no one wanting me once I’m older. I worry to worry I guess. If I would rate myself on a scale from 1-10 I would be a -0. I really hate myself.